Miscarriage: How can I say the right thing? Dear Dr. Perloe: I am very impressed by your site: keep up the good work. As mentioned my fiancé and I just lost our first baby 10 weeks into the pregnancy. I am from a family of doctors and know that it is probably best, but I, rather we, still go through our emotional roller coaster. Loss sucks. It would just be nice to know how to support my partner best. I don't blame her or anyone and am honestly afraid my grieving will only cause her to have feelings of guilt, which I don't want her to have. At the same time, I do feel a sense of loss that I want to share the most logical person (my partner). Any ideas are welcome, thank you. Jim Jim: While there are support groups at Resolve meetings and a group that deals specifically with loss, I would not think you would have access to them in Tokyo. A group setting, may be helpful for some to meet with others who feel the same type of loss. I think the most important thing you can do for her is to hear her feelings. AND, not try to problem-solve them. Comments such as these might be helpful: I don't really know what you must be feeling. Please share it with me. It must be very painful for you. I feel a terrible sense of loss for both of us. I want to discuss how you feel...Loss sucks. You are so important to me that I need to hear how you feel. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I am honestly afraid my grieving will only cause you more pain and cause you to have feelings of guilt. I don't believe this is your fault. But, I can understand if you feel guilty. My sharing this with you only helps me better understand why I chose you to share life with. etc. Don't say: I understand how you feel. You shouldn't feel that way. Maybe you shouldn't/should have.... If you have other ideas or suggestions for Jim, things to say and those one should avoid saying, please let me know and I will add them to this list. Return to the IVF Homepage This page, and all contents, are Copyright © 2005 by IVF.com, Atlanta, GA, USA.