Part of the problem of "coping" with infertility is that we all have the notion that we should do it gracefully, with a minimum of tears and hysterics.
Who told us that was coping? Who made the rules that said
don't cry too much; don't show your feelings too much;
don't let your feelings affect your work or relationships at all?
The next important question is: Why do we accept these rules? What's wrong with having our feelings? Grief is a natural process. Infertility is an on?going stressful crisis where we repeatedly experience grief. In short, it's a terrible experience we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies.
People can't experience fertility problems without being affected emotionally unless their feelings are so well protected that they're not in touch with them. Don't put yourself down because you get upset. Learn now that your reaction is normal. You've chosen the coping style that you know best. But, you can make things better. Start by identifying the positives about your coping style. Focus on how well you're doing. Give yourself credit for how well you've succeeded. For instance, many women put themselves down for feeling the need to talk to people a lot. Well, using support systems is an excellent way of dealing with stressful life experiences. Most people don't know how to deal with such intense pain. So give yourself positive self-talk about how good you are at reaching out for help. If you can't find the positives in what you are doing, ask a friend or your partner. There's always a way.
Infertility often creates or exacerbates marital conflict. Find time to talk about it and decide if it's conflict within your relationship or if it's created by your infertility experience. Talk about the ways you've solved problems before and see if any of these work. If not, ask friends what they've done or seek out counseling. It is normal for marriages to have problems during this time. If you can survive this crisis together, you can handle just about anything.
Friends and family members often seem insensitive and say or do things out of their ignorance, discomfort or feelings of helplessness. Educate them when you are strong enough. Tell them how you feel. By explaining your feelings and letting people know how to help, you will often get what you need. "I really appreciate your wanting to offer advice, but, right now I have enough advice and what I need most is someone to listen and try to understand," is an expression of what many infertility patients feel but cannot communicate. Don't wait until you are in crisis or you'll tend to talk yourself out of dealing with them and they'll never learn what you need from them.
Medical caregivers have feelings about your infertility also and may react in a number of ways which may or may not feel good to you. Give them feedback about what feels good and what doesn't so they learn, and so your anger and resentment don't build. You'll be helping yourself right now and contributing to other infertile couples in the future.
Co-workers and employers may also react in hurtful ways or not understand your need for time off, your emotional ups and downs. Educate them when you can. Find supports in your workplace. Imagine you have another illness that doesn't have the social stigma of infertility and give yourself as much permission as you would in that situation to use your time as medically recommended and expect others to honor this as well.
Remember what you've done in the past to make it through difficult
times and see if it can work for you now as well. Find time to have
fun, read books, do nice things for yourself, buy things, meet new
people, take exciting classes. Learn to do something you've always
been afraid to try. Develop a sense of humor about the infertility
experience (this actually can be done on your better days).
Use this time to develop deeper and more intimate relationships
with your partner and others you care for. Go for counseling, join
a support group at RESOLVE,
get online or do anything else your heart desires. You deserve it!
