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Awaiting Your Miracle Baby
Planning the Rest of Your Life |
Techniques for Handling Your Thoughts
Many people who survive serious accidents, undergo major surgery, or narrowly escape death relive the events as though they had a videotape in their brain. Reviewing the details of tragic events is a normal mechanism for dealing with stress and grief. We use this process to desensitize ourselves and to come to terms with what happened. However, when our thoughts take over our lives, as they did Debbie W's., when they prevent us from moving ahead, we must yell "Stop!" out loud and shift to pleasant thoughts.
"When the RESOLVE group told me to stop ruminating over my lost baby by yelling 'Stop,' I thought people would think I was crazy," Debbie W. said. "But it worked. I finally convinced myself to live for the future instead of burying myself in the tragedy of my past. Now, instead of planning my baby's funeral, I'm decorating the nursery."
Prepare for Stressful Situations
You need to prepare yourself for stressful situations, even rehearse and practice for them. First, say to yourself:
I am important.
My opinions count.
I have the right to say what I feel.
When the conflict begins, convince yourself to take the action you know is needed. Believe that what you want is important.
"I used to dread going to Sunday dinner at Mom's. My brother and his children always came and there was never a Sunday that someone didn't say, 'When are you going to give us a grandchild?' It had gotten to the point that my wife and I didn't want to see them again. But the RESOLVE group convinced me that my folks just didn't know they were hurting me and that I needed to level with them."
"I practiced what I wanted to say to them every day for a week, over and over, until I could say those words in my sleep: Mom, Dad, no one wants to give you a grandchild any more than Jan and I do. But right now we can't. We're doing everything we can to solve our problem. I know you don't mean to hurt us, but asking us when we're going to give you a grandchild only makes us feel like failures. We'd both appreciate your not saying any more about it."
"You can't imagine how hard it was to tell my mom and dad that. But you know, they were really sorry. They had no idea they were hurting us. My dad apologized and Mom gave Jan a big hug. Now we look forward to spending Sunday with the folks."
How to Control Your Anger
Anger is a natural, healthy, non-evil emotion. Go ahead and get angry! Get it off your chest! But next time, why don't you lay some plans that will avoid an angry confrontation.
If you become angry, it's probably because you've given someone else the power to control you and your emotions. Remember, you are responsible for your feelings; others don't make you angry. How many times have you become angry when someone said:
"One of these days you'll pop up pregnant."
As someone puts her newborn in your arms: "You're going to have one of these someday."
"Isn't it about time for you to have children?"
"You'll just have to accept things."
"I don't understand why you do that to your body, just to have a baby. It isn't worth it."
Get to know yourself. Know what triggers your anger, what pushes your anger button. And don't set yourself up to get angry. Instead, plan some alternatives for these situations. If you know, for example, that holding a newborn baby drives you up the wall, be ready to say, "Oh, I'd better not hold her. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Or if you become uncomfort-able at a dinner party, when someone you barely know asks you how many children you have, brush it off by saying, "We aren't quite ready to start our family yet."
You must remember that most people don't intend to cause you discom-fort. And often they really aren't extremely interested in your answer; they're just making small talk. It's usually only because you are listening defensively that what they say gets to you. Getting angry is your problem, not theirs.
If someone repeatedly bothers you, a relative, for example, then you need to assert yourself and say, "Mother, you know it's unlikely that we're going to 'pop up pregnant' someday. You aren't cheering me up, you're making me feel worse. I'd appreciate your not saying things like that." Or, "We aren't ready to 'accept things.' As long as our doctor has hope, we aren't giving up. When you say things like that, I feel angry. I'd appreciate changing the subject."
Remember:
Stick to specifics and to the present situation.
Avoid generalizing and reviewing the entire history of your relationship.
Deal with issues as they arise, when you feel your anger building.
Work toward a resolution, not a victory.
Be honest with people, share your feelings with them, and don't put them on the defensive by making accusations. If they really care about you, they will do their best to help.
Learn to Fight Fair
It's okay to fight if you fight fair. Fair fights release tension and often lead to the resolution of problems. Unfair fights, though, create more tension and do not solve anything. To fight fair, you need to follow these rules:
When Is It Time to Quit
I wish I could give you a magic answer to this question: call a halt after two years, after in vitro, after adoption. But it's not that simple. There is no concrete answer that works for everyone.
Some people decide to take a breather from the rigors of fertility treatment: to stop taking their temperature, to stop taking medication, to stop worrying about whether they'll get pregnant this month. In fact, many even use birth control to prevent a pregnancy. After they've had some time to relax and to enjoy life, or after hearing of a new breakthrough in fertility treatment, they may once again renew their treatment efforts.
Other people want to make a final decision: they have a hysterectomy; they stop treatment and apply for adoption; they have their tubes tied. They want to get off the roller coaster forever and get on with their lives.
The best time to quit is when you decide to—not when you run out of money, not when others say it's all right, not when you've tried every possible treatment, not when you've hit bottom, but when you decide you want to quit.
As a couple, you must decide what "happy ending" will meet your needs. Will you be satisfied to remain childless? Will an adopted child meet your parenting needs? Will AID meet your needs? Will a surrogate mother meet your needs? Is an embryo transfer the answer? How much money are you comfortable spending? How much time will you devote to solving your fertility problem? Only when you've answered these questions to your satisfaction will you be able to move on with your life.
Two Special People
"What do you do when your spirits get low?" Shelley T. asked.
"Well, a good cry helps a lot!" Kathy S. smiled. "I've even been known to slam every door in the house!"
The group laughed.
"I appreciate the little things Bryan does to cheer me up," Debbie W. added. "After my second miscarriage he brought me breakfast in bed for a week. And every once in a while, for no special reason, he'll bring me a red rose."
"When we really get down, we splurge on something," Michael T. said. "It seems like we give up everything to pay for our fertility treatment. So even though we're careful to watch our budget, once in a while we do something specialgo out to eat, go skiing, buy a new camera."
"Taking my temperature every morning used to get me down," Kathy said. "I hated to tell Steven, 'Today's the day.' It really helped when Steven started recording my temperature for me. Sharing the responsibility and making him aware of my fertile days took a lot of pressure off both of us."
"Let's face it, the stress we're under really strains our sexual desires and Performance," Shelley said. "We really have trouble before a postcoital test."
"Ever since I realized I had a fertility problem, I haven't been able to enjoy sex—even during my so-called infertile days," Margaret B. said. "I've always been haunted by a lingering hope: maybe this time will be the time that works."
"Me, too," Kathy said. "But Steven always refuses to let our infertility get us down. I don't know what I would do without his positive attitude. Just when I'm at my lowest, he'll say, 'We're not going to let this thing stop our life.' "
Shelley said: "A couple I know sometimes uses birth control so they can enjoy sex. Because they know they can't get pregnant, neither of them feels that they must perform, and when her period starts, they don't feel they failed that month."
"It seems to me that infertility disturbs women more than it does men," Kathy said.
"At least we seem to show it more," Margaret said.
"I don't know about that," Shelley countered. "One time I thought Michael was going off the deep end. I didn't know what to do, so I called a RESOLVE member for help. she suggested that Michael talk to a RESOLVE husband having a similar fertility problem."
"Talking to Jerry was the best thing I ever did," Michael said.
"You know, that's really the key," Kathy said. "Having someone who will listen to you.
"Keeping our marriage together and learning again how to enjoy our sexuality hasn't been easy," Kathy added. "We've had to work hard at it, over many months." She reached for Steven's hand. "But it's been worth it." She smiled. "I don't mean to sound conceited, but I believe we have a stronger marriage than most of our friends, who have not gone through what we've had to."
You Have the Power to Change
Like these couples, you have the power to change your life. Change is hard work; it usually comes in small steps; not all at once. Always keep in mind that you can change only yourself and those things under your control, not others.
When you approach life assertively, fight fair, express your needs, accept responsibility for your feelings, and act openly and honestly—with yourself
and with others—you will see the world through a new light. Armed with this knowledge and understanding about fertility treatment, you will be in control of your life and your future.
Keep your spirits up and know that you can do it. you are working with an infinitely valuable resource - yourself.
Click here to go to the Miracle Babies Online Table of Contents
For more information on your initial visit to your physician read the
INCIID Routine Fertility Workup or IVF.com Homepage.
Miracle Babies and Other Happy Endings
for Couples with Fertility Problems
Copyright © 1986 Mark Perloe M.D., and Linda Gail Christie.
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