Awaiting Your Miracle Baby Planning the Rest of Your Life

Make a copy of this questionnaire or write the statements on a sheet of paper or in a notebook. Then place a plus (+) beside each statement that describes you, a minus ( - ) beside each statement that does not describe you.

• I've lost interest in almost everything but my fertility treatment.
• I don't know what to do with my free time.
• I spend all day keeping the house spotless/spend long hours on work so I won't think about not having children.
• People make too many demands on my time.
• I don't seem to be able to say no to my doctor or my spouse.
• I don't care what I look like anymore. Sometimes I don't keep my BBT chart or take the medicine my doctor ordered.
• I never have any time for me; my schedule revolves around my fertility treatment.
• Other people' s opinions are more important than mine.
• I can't concentrate; all I can think about is getting pregnant.
• I don't sleep well; wake up too early; don't feel rested. I feel like my body is my enemy.
• I nap in the afternoon or fall asleep early in the evening.
• I've lost my sense of humor. Without children in my life there's no room for happiness and fun.
• I often cry for what seems like no reason.
• Sometimes I just feel numb and emotionless, especially about having sex.
• Sometimes I laugh nervously and loud.
• I want to be alone most of the time. I can't bear having to explain my infertility to anyone anymore.
• Life seems superficial. I feel cheated.
• I need a lot of reassurance from my friends.
• When I'm down, I crave foods, especially carbohydrates.
• Sometimes I'm too tense to eat.
• I often feel resentful and angry, and don't know why.
• Sometimes I wish I could start life over so I could avoid the mistakes that led to my fertility problem.
• I often ignore things that in the past would have upset me.
• Frequently I'm impatient and irritable. I may even accuse my spouse or doctor of not doing his/her best to help me with my fertility problem.
• I think about and talk about the past a lot. Without children I don't have much of a future.

Be Your Own Best Friend
Can you look in the mirror, smile, and say, "You are really something special !" ? If you cannot, it's probably because you reevaluate yourself every time someone else disapproves of you or something you've done. Don't let other people knock you off balance by suggesting a different doctor or a new treatment. Their opinion or point of view is not any more valid than your own. You need to learn to look at yourself, and life, through your own eyes. With your experience and knowledge you know far more about fertility treatment than most people. You know where you're going and how you're going to get there. Accept yourself as a "package deal"—overall, you are okay.

Look Ahead
You need to break the habit of living life laced with guilt, always saying things like, " I should have changed doctors two years ago," "If only I had tried to get pregnant ten years ago," or, "What if I had not used an IUD?" Separate your past from your future and move ahead. Allow yourself to change your mind. Give yourself permission to act instead of looking to others for permission and approval. Don't feel as though you have to justify your decisions. Manage your own life. Enjoy yourself and laugh a lot!

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive
Assertiveness is the key to effective communication. By becoming assertive, you can avoid internalizing your anger and frustration. When you communicate your feelings honestly— your disappointment, your pain, your frustration—you help others understand you so they can meet your needs. If they are not concerned about your needs, perhaps you should reconsider the relationship.

You can find out how assertive you are with the following checklist. Try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Your first impression is probably the truest answer.

Make a copy of this questionnaire or write the statements on a sheet of paper or in a notebook. Then place a plus (+) beside each statement that describes you; a minus ( - ) beside each statement that does not describe you.

• I usually speak up for what I believe (my doctor, my choice of fertility treatment).
• I usually state my views on issues important to me (my right to avoid baby showers, my choice of treatment).
• I don't mind complaining openly.
• I can say no to my doctor, spouse, and relatives without feeling guilty.
• I don't mind disagreeing with the majority. I don't try to avoid an argument.
• I ask questions of my doctor. I frequently offer suggestions to my doctor.
• I can accept a compliment without putting myself down. I can accept rejection without getting upset.
• I can express my anger honestly—especially when a treatment fails to produce a pregnancy.
• I can tell someone he/she is bothering me.
• I can initiate sex with my partner, even during the infertile days of the month.
• I can ask to be caressed.
• I can tell my lover what feels good to me.
• I can choose not to answer questions about my fertility and plans for a family.
• I can ask for favors.
• I have confidence in my own judgment about my fertility treatment.
• I can let others control the conversation at family gatherings.
• I often compliment other people. I can speak to a group of people.
• I can tell my family and friends when I disagree with their suggestions for fertility treatment.
• I can introduce myself to strangers.
• I can tell jokes.
• I do not have difficulty making decisions about my fertility.

If your checklist is full of pluses, you don't have a problem with assertiveness. If you have more minuses than you think you should, here are a few suggestions for improving your score:

Plan Some New Responses to Old Problems
Keep track of your assertiveness by reviewing your responses in specific situations. For example, remember the last time someone's insensitivity made you angry? Perhaps someone said something like, "I don't know why having a baby is so important to you. There are other things in the world besides having babies." If you became angry but didn't express it, withdrew from the situation, or found yourself wanting to leave, consider this: Were you upset because of what the other person said or because you were not able to respond? Not willing to stand up for your ideas or your opinions? Many times we are more angry with ourselves for letting others control our emotions than we are because the other person didn't understand us. If you withdraw from the situation instead of asserting yourself, you will probably kick yourself all the way home—and the next day, too.

Imagine handling the situation assertively. What should you have said? Should you have called him a name? Should you have tried to explain your needs? Should you never invite that person to your house again? What are the consequences of these actions? Can you live with them?

If you need some help in deciding what to do, ask someone. Perhaps watching a role model will give you some ideas. Support groups like RESOLVE are especially good at showing you how other couples have dealt with stressful situations. Set a realistic goal for the next encounter. Try it out. See what happens. If necessary, modify your approach and try it again. How do you feel? Stick with it.

Keep Communication Open and Honest
Have you ever felt that other people don't understand you, that when you try to talk to them they don't listen? It's hard enough to talk about your fertility problems and the effects they have on your life, let alone trying to get through someone else's thick head at the same time. There are a few principles of good communication which might give you an edge:

	Communicate to be heard, not to win.
	Inform; don't try to teach.
	Make requests, not demands.
	Ask for what you need; don't expect others to read your mind.
	Go for compromise, not perfection.

These principles make a lot of sense, but putting them into practice is another matter altogether. Think about different ways you could say the same thing.

Winning:
"I won't go to your sister's baby shower."
Communicating:
"When I go to baby showers, I feel awful."

Teaching:
"People need funerals to mourn their loss."
Informing:
"I really need my family with me right now, to help me say good-bye to our baby."

Demanding:
"I need next Wednesday off. I have a doctor's appointment to take some tests."
Requesting:
"I need to take some tests at my doctor's next Wednesday. Do you see any problem with my taking a couple of hours off? I can make up the time by coming in early Monday and Tuesday."

Waiting for telepathy:
"You know why I'm mad!"
Asking for what you need:
"Mom, please don't ask me after every appointment what the doctor said. If anything happens, I'll let you know."

Insisting on perfection:
"You ought to understand what I mean! After all, you're a college graduate!"
Going for the compromise:
"Would you try to understand? I think it would help us get along better."

I know some of these statements sound familiar to you. As I was writing them, I recalled a few situations I could have handled better, too. Try to remember that you and your mate are a team; you're both on the same side. Maybe you go about reaching your goals differently, and maybe your priorities are not exactly the same, but you aren't enemies, and you aren't plotting to do the other one in. When disagreements flare, try to put yourself in the other person's place, and remember; principles are rarely more important than people. If you seem to have reached an impasse, you may wish to consult with a trusted friend, counselor, or member of the clergy. Perhaps they will be able to help you get a different perspective.

If you level with family members, friends, and your boss about your feelings, instead of lecturing them or hoping they'll read your mind, they will be more likely to understand you and respect your decisions.

Remember that a series of small earth tremors relieves tension and pres-sure within the fault and often prevents a major earthquake. Likewise, if you handle each situation as it arises, you can relieve stress and tension in your relationships and perhaps prevent a major upheaval.

Continued